The Devils Grandmother

First off I apologize for the lack of posts. This weekend has been much busier than I had planned and I just haven't had a second to sit down and type.

Holli and I went shopping with my parents on Saturday and I would dare say that the Holiday shopping season has begun. We hit the 3 major money robbing stores, you know the stores that you go into saying to yourself that your not going to spend more the twenty dollars and come out of the store two hundred dollars poorer and have nothing but cheap crap to show for it. You know these stores Walmart, Target and Kohls. We spent over 6 hours in these stores combined and by the end of that sixth hour I was about ready to go HO HO HO on someones butt. Now to be fair to these money robbing stores its not really the store that makes shopping frustrating but its all the ADD diagnosed idiotic shoppers who make even the Pope want to give himself the noose. For example I was at Target leisurely browsing the toy aisles with my sleeping son laying in the basket when down the aisle comes The Devils grandmother herself. This probably 70 year old lady could barely see over the cart she was pushing when she plowed head on into my cart at mach 12 scaring the day lights out of my little boy and spinning me into a furry of pissed off I have not been in in a long time. She then just stopped as if nothing had happened blocking the entire aisle and started looking and some stupid doll. So I just stared at her with my "I'm going to kick the crap out of you look" the one that I keep stored away for such occasions. After about 5 minutes of sitting and staring patiently she finally noticed me and realized she was blocking my path and with a rude sigh she pushed pass me. I figured she wasn't worth my time so I let it be and moved on. A couple of aisles later I noticed her down another aisle quite aways from her cart so being the jerk that I am I slowly snuck up and stole her very full cart and pushed it somewhere that not even the FBI could find and hid it. Now I know that your saying that I'm a jerk for messing with a old lady but even old ladies can be biatches just look a Nancy Pelosi. Let the shopping season begin.

How Pumpkin Pies are Made.

My Mom just sent this to me and it cracked me up so I thought Id share it with you all. Enjoy.

The way men Pee

Ok we have to get the settled. While growing up in a household full of boys it was hard to find a clean toilet seat. My Mother always used to get mad and frustrated because she would go to tinkle in the toilet and end up with a very moist bottom. She and most women think Its easy to aim with our "thingys" but in reality its more difficult than you would think. So let me try to explain this for you women.

Most mornings most men wake up with two things — a tremendous desire to pee, and a thingy so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can’t get that thing to bend, and if it don’t bend you can’t aim. And if you can’t aim you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those fuzzy toilet seat covers, the toilet seat won’t stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you’re newly married, and my soon to be married brother Jake will soon learn this, you think you can get the toilet seat with that stupid fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then the fuzzy cover starts to decompress and without warning the toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your thingy. So I will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy toilet seat cover on it, it’s just not safe.

Now, Holli insists that it would just be easier to sit to pee but even if you are sitting down and somehow can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. It's not pretty but its works.

I feel better now.

Sitting in my underwear

So I just spent all night sitting in my underwear setting up this blogy thingy so that all you stalkers out there can get to know me even better. (Yeah you know who you are) But I figure why not? This could be fun. So please feel free to post any comments or vent about anything you want. Ill try to update daily or at least every other day if life gets busy as it does quite frequently. But for now I'm going to go take a shower and go to bed and try to dream of Megan Fox giving me a massage on some secluded beach in the Caribbean somewhere.