The way men Pee

Ok we have to get the settled. While growing up in a household full of boys it was hard to find a clean toilet seat. My Mother always used to get mad and frustrated because she would go to tinkle in the toilet and end up with a very moist bottom. She and most women think Its easy to aim with our "thingys" but in reality its more difficult than you would think. So let me try to explain this for you women.

Most mornings most men wake up with two things — a tremendous desire to pee, and a thingy so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can’t get that thing to bend, and if it don’t bend you can’t aim. And if you can’t aim you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those fuzzy toilet seat covers, the toilet seat won’t stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you’re newly married, and my soon to be married brother Jake will soon learn this, you think you can get the toilet seat with that stupid fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then the fuzzy cover starts to decompress and without warning the toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your thingy. So I will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy toilet seat cover on it, it’s just not safe.

Now, Holli insists that it would just be easier to sit to pee but even if you are sitting down and somehow can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. It's not pretty but its works.

I feel better now.